Autobahn Track Management: Note to Tom, Kevin,& Jim

[Terry McNeil]

Dear Sirs,
As much as we enjoyed your participation in this weeks event at our facility, it has come to our attention, that members of you organization left a lot of "litter" upon your departure.
Before you try to argue your case, please be advised we didn't need Arlo Guthrie to tell us these articles were DIRECTLY related to your Team.
You will be receiving a Bill to cover the costs of clean up.
We hope this will be taken in the manner in which it is presented.

Sincerely,
CEO Autobahn Ltd.
Cecil F.Bagsley

[Jeff Chandler]

LMAO, too funny

[Tom Cinnamon]

Dear Mr. Bagsely,

Our Team management is not directly responsible for the production of toilet paper for Uranus. I can assure you that the item shown in your picture is not genuine Uranus product, but a cheap Oriental counterfeit. Although the packaging and logos seem similar, the words "trading company" do not appear on any of Uranus's product lines.

We have been in contact with our Indonesian Vice President of Distribution, Mr Juan Longue Poo and he has indicated that we indeed have a problem with black market items finding it's way to North America.

The fact that this item is pictured in an Autobahn washroom is highly suspicious. I would suggest that your maintenance be staff queried on their knowledge of Uranus. I would like to believe that they had purchased the product for use at your facility without realizing it was not genuinely Uranus and that they can help us to track down the culprits who are responsible.

There are many competitors who like to pick on Uranus from time to time and I would not be surprised if it turned out to be another team in the ILMS series who is behind this. Strangely enough our largest account for toilet paper the Tribble racing group had recently cancelled their largest order to date. Previously their orders had been increasing at a rate that caused a strain on Uranus production.

Licensed Uranus Racing Product must meet the highest of standards and should you like to experience Uranus for yourself I can have that set up for you at your earliest convenience.

Should you decide not to cease in inflaming this situation with Uranus I will ask our legal adviser Horace Paddy to take appropriate actions.

Regards,
Ci My Dung,
Public Relations Director,
Uranus Racing
Asian Division.

[Ron_Schuermann]

Licensed Uranus Racing Product must meet the highest of standards

Is that to make sure that Uranus is clean of any foreign objects????
(Sorry, I couldn't help myself)

Funny thread though!

[Rich Lee]

It's no secret that Flying Lizard Motorsports picks Uranus all the time. In fact, we are quite proud that we pick Uranus, and will continue to pick it as long as the product maintains its current high standards. To pick anything else would be uncivilized. We want to make it clear though, that we had no involvement in this counterfeit product.

[Mike Tribble]

Dear Mr. Dung,

Tribble Racing Group wishes to protest the inference that WE had anything to do with the obvious smear tactics perpetrated against Uranus Racing and its products. Actions such as these leave a stain on all those associated with such a blatent attempt at what some might call "bathroom" humor. We do not find it amusing.

While we did in fact cancel our last rather substantial order it had nothing at all to do with your product quality (which has always been number two in the industry in our opinion) it was simply a matter of supply and demand. The Tribble Racing Group which experienced phenomenal growth in the later part of 2007 and early 2008 has instituted policies designed to regulate the need for your products. However the transfer from Uranus Paper products to Old Cork Industries has not transpired without some hardships for our team members. There have been requests to return to the halcyon days of the past when one could adjourn to the reading room and enjoy some solitude away from the hoard and take pleasure in simple things.

I trust you will inform your superiors that TRG is totally innocent in this matter and looks forward to the possibility of renewing our long standing relationship. If we can get past this blotch on our reputations and step away from the putrid mass of decaying brain damaged rats and airborne reptiles that seems to follow the ILMS Racing League we can put this ugly incident behind us.

I look forward to your earliest reply.

James L Tribble MMCCDXXXVII
Procurement Officer
Tribble Racing Group, Inc.

[Tom Cinnamon]

Dear Mr. Tribble,

Dung has been removed from Uranus and is no longer Uranus staff. Recent investigations into Dung's behavior within Uranus have revealed the possibility that he has been leaking, from Uranus, trade secrets to a group that we cannot legally name at this time.

On behalf of Uranus Racing and it's associated companies, I wish to apologize for for any discomfort caused by Mr. Dung and hope that in the near future you will be able to see Uranus in a better light.

As for the many testamonials you have seen published recently, please rest assured that they were given freely by the authors who will indeed, pick Uranus, time and time again.

To show our appreciation for our long standing relationship you will receive shortly via UPS, Uranus samples of our new line of licensed sex toys that you can try out at home.

Sincerely,
Horace Paddy
Legal Adviser Uranus Intergalactic Ltd.

[Mike Tribble]

Dear Mr Paddy,

It is with mixed emotions I read your latest correspondence. While I am glad for you that Mr Dung is no longer in Uranus I must report the passing of my Great Great Great Great Grandfather James L Tribble MMCCDXXXVII. I am confident he would have been pleased at your actions in quickly expelling Dung from Uranus. I have heard that the Olestra group has hired Mr Dung as a consultant and has charged him with investigating corporate emissions of an unplanned kind.

As for your kind and generous offer of samples of Uranus's latest products we must regretfully decline. The orifices (edit Offices) of TRG are fully staffed at the moment since our association with Old World Cork and we would simply have no place to store them. Should the situation change in the future we will kindly take you up on your offer at that time.

It is good to hear your patrons continue to pick Uranus and that their testimonials arrive unsolicited. I am confident that we at TRG will pick Uranus again at some point in the future. May we keep our lines of communication open throughout the generations.

Sincerely,
James L Tribble MMCCIVC
Senior Procurement Officer
Tribble Racing Group

[Rob Lowe]

[Tom Cinnamon]

Drear Jrames,

Prease excruse my Engrish. In my new position as Pubric Rerations Director and on behalf of Uranal management, I would like to express our most sincere condolences to your famiry on the passing of such a reat Twibble.

I don't know if rou will remrember, but it was I who first inroduced your reat, reat, reat, reat ranfather to Uranus when he visited Calcutta, rose many rears ago. Prease ret me know if there will be room for rests other than immediate family at the funeral. My new orafice is just a frew brocks from Rankee Stadium where services are planned and I would be ronored to attrend.

Humbry rours,

Juan Longue Poo